


Never Let Me Go

by Iron_Eirlyssa (Eirlyssa)



Series: Eirlyssa's 2019 Bingo Fills [10]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: All the cuddles, And then more cuddles, Aquaphobia, Asexual Bucky Barnes, Asexual Tony Stark, Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cuddles, Developing Relationship, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sharing a Bed, Television Watching, Tony Stark Bingo 2019, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, WinterIron Bingo 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-09-02 02:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20268268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eirlyssa/pseuds/Iron_Eirlyssa
Summary: As they continue meeting up at night, Tony and Bucky grow closer. Then they find out that they can actually sleep when they're together, and really, what else is there to do but cuddle as they finally find some peace?





	1. The Place To Rest My Head

**Author's Note:**

> Originally something I started for the WinterIron week (but I was way late xD ), now it's a fill for the Tony Stark Bingo square K2 - Asexuality. Title and chapter titles are based off Florence and the Machine's _Never Let Me Go_. I hope you enjoy!!

It started by accident, really. Both of them were night owls, though not entirely voluntarily - it was usually nightmares and bad memories keeping them up beyond when even they would have liked to go to sleep.

Disappointingly, Tony found he couldn't focus on what he was doing - his mind was racing, yes, but it was also bouncing all over the place, leaving him unable to concentrate.

Having had plenty of experience with the feeling, he sighed and headed over to the common rooms. He wondered what his poison would be tonight. Alcohol tended to dull the edges a bit, smoothing out the frantic thoughts running through his mind, whereas coffee would hopefully make it possible to find one single thing to focus on.

Considering it was past three at night, he hadn't really been expecting anyone else to be up.

In hindsight, that might have been a bit naive of him. But he felt safe blaming the lack of coffee or alcohol, as well as his overactive and incapable-of-focusing brain.

Whatever the reason was, in the end it resulted in him walking into the common area, where Barnes was watching television, curled up on the couch in a way Tony hadn’t really expected a nearly-100-year-old assassin to be.

“Hey Barnes,” he greeted, not wanting to startle the other man in case he hadn’t noticed Tony coming up.

Being a nearly-100-year-old assassin, though, he wasn’t too surprised that Barnes didn’t even jolt in place. “Hey, Stark. Couldn’t sleep either?” There was still something uncertain in his voice, and while Tony understood, he _really_ wished that Barnes could just accept that he was welcome, instead of constantly worrying that Tony would kick him out.

“Can I ever?” he replied with a shrug, looking around the kitchen to see if there was still any of the good coffee lying around. Barnes tended to be a lot more relaxed when no one was outright paying attention to him.

A huff of what could have been laughter came from the couch. “Ain’t that a mood?”

Despite years of torture and all that, Barnes was doing a far better job at getting used to the modern world than Steve had ever appeared to. It caused Tony to grin at him, which had him seeing what was on the television, and really? With his brain the equivalent of a hyperactive bouncy-ball, it wasn’t Tony’s fault he got stuck on the program.

It was Barnes’ own fault, really. Tony was excessively rich and had literally hundreds of channels available. And out of all of those hundreds of channels (including a multitude of foreign ones) he just _had_ to pick the SyFy channel.

“That just doesn’t make sense,” he was unable to keep from saying, because one of the most interesting things about the SyFy channel was criticizing all of it while still appreciating the creativity and weirdness of it. It was how he’d bonded with Rhodey sometimes (because as much as his platypus was good at faking being some sort of modern-day saint, the guy was just as much of an asshole as Tony) and it was how he’d ended up bonding with Bruce when the other scientist wanted to spend some time outside of the lab.

And, as it turned out, it was gonna be the way he was going to bond with Barnes as well, because rather than sigh or roll his eyes, the guy just grinned and said, “I know”. Which was really all there was to it.

Half an hour later and he was sitting on the couch, hot chocolate in his hands, bantering with Barnes about the inaccuracies as they shared a bowl of popcorn.

After that, it sort of became a tradition. Whenever the two of them couldn’t sleep (and when Tony couldn’t focus on anything in the workshop (or, increasingly often, just kind of wanted company (and so what if it was _Barnes’_ company, specifically? No one needed to know about that))) they ended up meeting in the common room and sharing snacks while they watched (and criticized) (and admired) (and laughed at) the SyFy channel together.

Until the night Tony actually fell asleep.

He wasn’t even sure what they’d been watching. He _did_ know that he hadn’t slept properly in a week, and the little sleep he did have was disturbed by nightmares that made little sense and left him shivering and frightened.

Still, he hadn’t expected to fall asleep. On Barnes. Or to wake up with the guy still there, awake, except with a blanket spread over Tony’s legs.

“That… wasn’t supposed to happen,” Tony rushed out once he realized what had happened. “I’m sorry, I… It won’t happen again.” Only years of practice made it possible to control the blush that threatened to show on his face, and he just _knew_ his cheeks were a little pinker than they should be.

With that, he’d have left the room and not returned for at least a month, if not more. Except then Barnes spoke up, not looking at Tony. “It’s… It could, if you wanted to. I mean, I didn’t mind. It was… relaxing.”

By the end, his voice was nearly inaudible, and there was definitely a blush on his face as well. And knowing he wasn’t the only one feeling awkward, well… It helped relax Tony, enough to keep him from panicking and enough to make him realize that he felt more rested than he had in months (at least - ‘years’ sounded depressing, and ‘as long as he could remember’ sounded even worse, so he shrugged it off and thought ‘months’).

That didn’t mean he knew how to respond to Barnes’ admission. So he tried to keep it casual, shrugging. “I’ll probably see you some other night, then.” It was as close as he could get to saying ‘okay’, and from the way Barnes smiled ever-so-slightly, he thought the message had come across.

It helped, too, that it only took a few more occasions for Barnes to start falling asleep as well. They’d start out with the SyFy channel, or with some terrible movie either of them suggested, and end up leaning against one another, breathing slowing down until they were both asleep.

By the seventh night, they’d even stopped pretending they weren’t likely to fall asleep, instead starting out with blankets so they wouldn’t get cold in the middle of the night (even though Barnes ran hot enough that it didn’t tend to be too much of a problem, and JARVIS had a tendency of turning up the heat enough to make things bearable even without blankets - it was the _acknowledgement_ that they were doing this on purpose that made the difference).

Tony noticed the difference for himself - he felt _way_ better than before, both mentally and physically. If it hadn’t been for the fact that no alcohol- or drugs-inspired sleep had ever helped him as much, he would have started to wonder if he shouldn’t have forced this years earlier. But it appeared like it was Barnes being there that made the difference, especially since it was hardly the most _comfortable_ sleep he’d had.

Combined with the fact that Barnes himself looked a lot better as well (since his raccoon eyes had disappeared and he seemed less likely to stab someone with whatever implement was closest), it was that fact that inspired Tony to speak up.

“So what do you say we move this to a bed?” he asked one night, before they could grab a blanket and settle in. It took some effort not to let his nervousness show, but he thought he’d managed quite well.

Barnes still tensed up, looking at him warily from where he was still sitting on the couch, snacks and remote already gathered. “To a bed?” he asked, and it was obvious that he was trying not to sound too suspicious (and it was obvious that he couldn’t help but be a little suspicious anyway).

“Just to sleep,” Tony assured him, holding his hands up. It wasn’t like he’d say no if Barnes wanted more - the guy was attractive, and smart, and kind, and funny, and it wasn’t as though he found sex unpleasant. But that wasn’t his intention here. “I mean, the sleeping is really helping me, but I can’t help but think my back and neck would thank me for sleeping in an actual bed. And the TV in my room is just as big as this one, so that wouldn’t be a problem either. If you’d rather stay here, though, I’m fine with that, too.”

The more he talked, the more he noticed Barnes relaxing, until he was actually smiling.

“Nah, a bed is fine.” He got up, bringing the snacks with him. “Just… wanted to make sure you weren’t expecting anything more, ‘s all.”

“Zero expectations,” Tony assured him, leading the way. He was aware of his own reputation, after all, and considering how well Barnes was doing on catching up with the modern world, there was little chance he hadn’t at least _heard of_ his sex tapes and conquests.

He’d have been more than content to just let it be, honestly. He was in this for the fact that sleeping with Barnes there meant he finally got a good night’s sleep, not anything more. It was Barnes himself who brought it up again a few nights later, in the middle of some awful movie about some half-shark, half-octopus.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” he started, which rather startled Tony.

“What for?” Honestly, though, it better not be the whole ‘killing your parents while having been tortured into being a murder puppet for HYDRA’ again - Tony thought he’d finally managed to convince Barnes that while yes, it sucked, and yes, it was sorta him, he’d hardly had a choice and there was nothing to forgive.

As it turned out, that wasn’t it. “For the whole ‘nothing more’ thing,” Barnes explained. Before Tony could even start _thinking_ about how to respond to that, he continued. “I mean, I know you’re gorgeous, and I swear if it was my thing I’d want to sleep with you in the _other_ way, but it’s just… _not_. My thing, that is. And I hope it didn’t offend you or something, or make you think that I thought you weren’t… attractive. Or…”

“Whoa, hey,” Tony cut in before Barnes could continue, eyes wide. “Really, there’s no need to… explain anything, or excuse anything, or apologize. No need for any of that. You don’t want more, you don’t want more. That’s your prerogative.”

“It’s just that I heard about you… Well, your sex life. And I know you’re popular with the ladies, and some of the men as well, and I didn’t want you to think that it’s… I mean, I don’t want you to feel… rejected? Or like there’s something wrong with you. ‘Cause I think… I mean, I _know_ it’s me something’s wrong with, but…”

At that, Tony paused the movie. This was something he thought deserved all of his attention. “Okay, let’s start this off properly. There’s nothing _wrong_ with you.” When it looked like Barnes was about to say something, Tony shook his head. “No, listen. I don’t know if it’s the entire… HYDRA being dicks thing, or if this was always the case, and you’re not obliged to tell me either way, but there’s this whole new world of being allowed to be whoever you are, and asexuality is a _thing_. A valid thing.”

For a few moments, Barnes was silent. Then, almost hesitantly, he repeated, “Asexuality?”

“No interest in sex with other people, or rather, not experiencing sexual attraction. There’s… Well, let’s just say there’s a lot of variety in what you are and aren’t up to, and then there’s the whole… It’s probably easier to have J pull up a few sources than to explain it, but it’s not something _wrong_. Trust me.”

And there must’ve been a certain tone to his voice, because Barnes’ eyes sharpened as he looked at Tony. The question was clear, as was the moment Barnes made the decision not to ask.

Tony smiled wryly. “Some asexuals are sex-repulsed, and they tend to not want to have sex with others. Then there’s some who are sex-neutral or even sex-positive, which means the idea of having sex isn’t as bad, even though they’re… not that much into it, attraction-wise. I’m the last, which in my case means that while I don’t really feel sexual attraction, I don’t _mind_ having sex for… Okay, I’ll admit, they haven’t always been healthy reasons. There was this whole period where I thought it was the only way to get affection, and even now it’s mostly for that feeling of closeness. But a lot of my sordid history was… well, me wanting to feel like someone cared.”

Cringing a bit, he hoped that didn’t sound as pathetic as it felt it did. “There was also a lot of ‘wanting to keep others happy’ involved, which meant I mostly didn’t say ‘no’. And like I said, it’s not like I _mind_ it.”

He shrugged. His feelings towards sex had always been rather complicated and mixed up with his (totally nonexistent, if anyone asked) need for validation and affection.

“Oh…” Barnes breathed out, sounding rather stunned. Tony didn’t think it was in a bad way, though, not with the way he looked like a world had just opened up for him. He put effort into staying quiet and still, not wanting to take away from the other man’s moment. “I don’t think that’s me, though… The sex-positive thing, I mean. That is, others can do whatever they want, but…” He grimaced a bit at that, and Tony nodded to indicate he understood.

“Sex is definitely not for you,” he summarized, and Barnes nodded. “Which is totally fine - anyone tells you that you have to do anything you don’t want, feel free to flip them off.”

The relief was obvious. “That’s… good to know,” was all he ended up saying, before turning back to the screen. Getting the hint (and having some experience with having his worldview turned upside-down and needing some time to mentally absorb), Tony pressed the ‘play’-button again and sat back to continue watching as the people on the screen were eaten by a bad CGI-animation.

If he sent Barnes some links (via JARVIS) to look at in case he wanted to know more, well, that was only reasonable. There was a lot to figuring out part of your identity, after all, and Tony had no illusions that his explanation had been the most helpful.

They didn’t really mention it again, the following nights. Barnes showed up with home-made blueberry muffins the evening after Tony had sent the information, but other than that, they continued as they usually did - watching terrible sci-fi and falling asleep (and maybe ending up snuggled together a little more than Tony would admit to anyone except Pepper and Rhodey (and even those two only if they forced the subject)) and waking up astonishingly well-rested and at peace.

It was absolutely wonderful.


	2. And I'm Going Under

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter, filling square S1 - Phobia for my Tony Stark Bingo, in which Bucky is still an incredible sweetheart and Tony desperately needs some hugs.

Well, it was wonderful until it wasn’t. That was to say, the sleeping together was amazing - _not_ sleeping together sucked all the more for it, though. And despite not being the CEO of Stark Industries anymore, it didn’t mean Tony was able to get out of _all_ of the travelling for the company.

Due to that fact, he’d been traveling for nearly a week, visiting multiple branches to check up on them (and, according to Pepper, to inspire them to new heights or something). 

He hoped it had worked, because after a few months of pretty regular sleep, multiple days without Barnes being there to… well, _cuddle with_, he supposed… Tony had found himself discovering some utter lack of new heights. Really, all he wanted was to grab some hot chocolate and a Barnes and stay in bed for the next three days.

Which meant the Avengers were called out. Because really, that was just Tony’s luck.

“Got back just in time, Man in a Can,” Clint joked.

“Just too early, you mean,” he snarked back, trying his best to figure out how to deal with the dude with some kind of <del>magical</del> weirdass powers making a mess in Battery Park.

Mostly, he appeared to just be blasting at whatever was bothering him. Currently the Avengers, obviously. The Hulk hadn’t been called in, mostly because they’d prefer to take the guy in without too much property damage (or physical damage, though Tony was willing to haggle on that as he picked up a kid just in time to avoid her being hit by one of Blasty’s attacks).

He just wanted to _sleep_, damn it.

Cursing, he swooped left to avoid Cap’s shield. He might’ve thrown it at Blasty, but the guy had managed to hit it and throw it off course enough to keep it from hitting him (and instead get it to almost hit Tony, obviously).

Lack of sleep meant he wasn’t at his best, meaning he completely missed Mjölnir as it was headed for Blasty. Swooping left meant he was straight in its path, and he grunted as it knocked him away and into the ground. Which was _fine_, he had a whole-ass armor protecting him, but it wasn’t _fun_.

“Iron Man, you okay?” Steve asked, panting as he ducked out of the way of a blast as he tried to get to his shield.

_Something_ was up with the guy at least, because Clint, Nat and Barnes were all firing at him and it wasn’t working nearly as well as it should. Not to mention the fact that Mjölnir _also_ got blasted off, which - that shouldn’t be happening.

“What is _with_ this guy?” Tony snarled, firing his repulsors in order to get Blasty’s attention away from Steve. Avoiding his blasts was testing the suit’s maneuverability, especially with the fact that lack of sleep meant his reaction times were a bit slower than usual.

It allowed one blast to hit him straight-on, knocking him back a few yards as the other Avengers called out to him, asking if he was okay and red warnings about the suit’s integrity blared across the helmet’s display. Not ideal, but considering the guy really only used explosive blasts, a few cracks compromising the airtightness of the suit didn’t matter that much. Definitely not enough to keep Tony from getting right back up, eyes narrowed and completely _done_ with the guy.

Rather than focus on shooting straight at Blasty, he aimed one of his smaller missiles at the ground _below_ the guy.

He cheered ever-so-slightly in victory when it destabilized the guy enough for one of Barnes’ bullets to bypass whatever shield he was using, hitting him in the arm and making him cry out in pain.

An ugly look painted itself across Blasty’s face, and Tony honestly blamed his lack of proper sleep due to insomnia and nightmares (and the fact that he might be in a little bit of pain) (and the fact that maybe he should have been ingesting a little more than coffee) (and the fact that he had not, in fact, ingested any coffee in the last few hours) for not reacting in time to get out of the way.

It shouldn’t have been a problem. He’d worked on getting over his fears, after all, and he’d been pretty successful at it. But he’d had a nightmare about Afghanistan _just_ last night, and he was already a little more twitchy than usual, and his exhaustion meant that he might be a little more susceptible than usual, and he just wasn’t prepared, mentally or physically, for the water closing over him and seeping into his suit, way too close to his face.

Somewhere in the very back of his mind, there was a vague awareness that he should not panic, that he would feel so incredibly ashamed about it later. But it got lost in the litany of ‘no, _no_, _NO_’ that was taking over all of his rational thoughts. Even the voices of the other Avengers, still coming through, faded to the background.

Tony gasped, eyes wide and panicked. Rather than any reasonable reaction, he… well, to be honest, ‘flailed’ would have probably be the word he’d use if he were thinking clearly and it was anyone but him. As it was, he would have preferred ‘struggled’.

Desperately, he tried to grasp onto something, _anything_, physical or mental. To his horror, both slipped through his hands like water, and he could feel the way the armor filled up, a prison instead of the freedom it was meant to be, and he was vaguely aware of the fact that he was whimpering, too panicked to even scream.

The entire experience couldn’t have lasted long. Not more than a few seconds, at most, before JARVIS took control of the suit and got him out of the water, back to dry land where the rest of them were still dealing with Blasty. But it felt like it had been forever, felt like he was still stuck there, somewhere between the Hudson and Afghanistan, unable to breathe as he died over and over again (or at least felt like he did).

Faintly, he registered the sounds of fighting as he gasped. JARVIS hadn’t taken him too far away, just enough to be out of the water and out of the direct range of the battle. He hoped they were doing okay without him, because there was absolutely no way he could have convinced his body to move at that moment, not even if his life depended on it.

Although the armor was steady around him, the water dripping right back out of it, Tony was trembling like a leaf inside as he tried to focus, tried to settle, tried to _think_.

And then, suddenly, he wasn’t alone anymore. The others were still fighting, he could hear it, though from what he managed to catch on the comms, they were making progress. But suddenly Barnes was right next to him, looking astonishingly more emotional than he ever did on the field.

“Stark, _Tony_, are you alright?” he asked, and even with his mind not even close to fully functioning, Tony could hear the concern in his voice.

He wanted to say ‘yes’. He wanted to say ‘I’m just fine’. He wanted to say ‘nothing’s wrong’. But they’d be lies, and they’d both know it, and instead all he could manage was a whimper that made him cringe just a little at how pathetic it sounded.

Before he could even think the action all the way through, he got the suit to dissemble from around him, releasing him to the cold air. With his clothing still wet, the wind felt like it was cutting through his clothing. It didn’t last long, though. Not when he gave into the desperate urge he’d been feeling all week to just crawl into Barnes’ secure, warm arms so he’d feel comfortable and at ease and _safe_.

Tony hadn’t even been aware that he was just a little afraid (deep down, he was terrified) that Barnes would push him away until strong arms closed around him and relief filled him.

Slowly, he became aware that Barnes was talking, silencing the panicked whimpers of his mind. “I got you, it’s okay. You’re safe now, I got you. I got you.” The more he repeated it, the more Tony calmed down, breathing evening out enough that it finally felt like he was getting enough air.

It felt like the entire week was just catching up with him, and his muscles felt like particularly liquid jell-o. So rather than saying anything (and most likely embarrassing himself, because he had no illusions about how pathetic his voice would sound right about now) he let himself sink deeper into the embrace, eyes closed as he pressed his face into Barnes’ shoulder.

Bucky’s shoulder, really, because there really wasn’t any going back to the previous distance (artificial as it had been) with the guy calming him down from a panic attack and holding him right in the open, where anyone could see them.

And did. “Ehm, Buck?”

Without Tony realizing it, the sounds of the fighting had stopped, and now Steve had come to check up on… well, maybe him, maybe Bucky, maybe both of them. And Tony was sitting in the assassin’s lap, just about as close as he could get, and despite the fact that their sleeping together had gone on for _months_ now, it wasn’t really something they had made very public.

“Yes, Stevie?” Bucky replied, voice completely deadpan.

There were a few moments of silence, presumably as Steve tried to figure out what to say. Tony simply couldn’t bring himself to move his face from Bucky’s shoulder to check, though. What was more, he didn’t _want_ to. He’d be more than happy staying where he was.

“What’s going on?”

From the way he was pressed up against Bucky, he could feel the taller man huff. “I’m takin’ him back home, ‘s what.”

Before Tony could even try to figure out what that meant, Bucky was getting up, lifting him like he weighed no more than a feather. It should have felt demeaning, humiliating somehow, but instead he could only feel protected. Bucky was strong enough to keep him safe and, despite the way Tony had been trying to keep his distance (not that he’d admit his fear of rejection) (or the way he felt like any relationship involving him was doomed to fail somehow), he actually cared enough to do so.

Just for now, he allowed himself to bask in the feeling of someone caring for him, caring _about_ him to an extent that was very, very rare for him to experience.

When they got home, Bucky took them straight to Tony’s room. “You alright with me helping you change?” he asked, still holding him tight.

Unable to trust his voice just yet, Tony only nodded. And honestly, how did Bucky have any right to be so _amazing_? Because he didn’t just help Tony change into dry clothes. Instead, he wiped him down with a piece of cloth as he trembled, getting the worst of the water off him, before patting him down with a soft towel that ended up drying his hair as he helped Tony into some soft sweatpants and a sweater that was enough sizes too big that it was easy to tell it was not originally Tony’s and that smelled comfortingly like Bucky himself.

Then, without remarking further, he got Tony into the bed, changed out of his gear and into something more comfortable himself, grabbed something for the both of them to drink and turned on the SyFy channel as he sat down next to Tony, strong arms wrapping around him again.

There was something utterly soothing about sharing a bed without there being expectations of _more_. Tony could snuggle in, bury his face into Bucky’s neck, hold his hand and rub his thumb gently across the knuckles, tangle his legs with Bucky’s - all without being worried that it would be viewed as anything more than simple affection, that Bucky would suddenly end up wanting more and Tony would have to shift mentally. The comfort of it all made his eyes tear up just a little as he tucked himself a little deeper into Bucky’s side.

He closed his eyes and matched Bucky’s breathing, listening to Bucky’s heartbeat as he slowly drifted off to sleep.

That night was the first time he had nightmares while sleeping with Bucky. But every time he sat up, gasping, Bucky was right there with him, stroking his back and helping him breathe.

When he woke up a fifth time, panting and eyes moving frantically around the room as he tried to find the people trying to drown him, and Bucky got up just as smoothly as the first time, wrapped his arms around Tony just as gently as the first time, and whispered soft reassurances just as kindly as the first time, Tony realized he was in love.

And it was mutual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've all enjoyed this chapter - turns out I'm planning to add another one in the next week or so xD
> 
> Also feel free to come say hi on my [Tumblr](https://eirlyssa.tumblr.com/) :)


	3. All This Devotion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter for this story, filling the following bingo squares:  
Square T3 - Wake up!! for the Tony Stark Bingo  
Square N4 - First Kiss for the WinterIron Bingo  
Square C1 - Abandonment issues for the Bucky Barnes Bingo
> 
> Thank you all for being here with me through it all, and I hope you’ll enjoy the final chapter! It’s not all smooth sailing, but they end up figuring it out.

Sometimes, Tony _hated_ himself.

Because knowing that there were feelings involved, knowing that this was possibly getting _serious_, he panicked. He’d just faced a week without Bucky there, unable to sleep well and wishing he was back in Bucky’s arms (and wasn’t that really all he needed to know?), and it had made him realize exactly how dependent he’d become.

Which was exactly why there was a huge part of his brain currently panicking, because _how would he be able to deal when Bucky inevitably left!?_

So, because he was an idiot, he then started to avoid Bucky more. Better to make sure he’d be able to survive and make it through when he gave up on Tony, and getting too used to his being there was a terrible idea.

It meant that Tony started working through some of the nights again, and getting back to both his coffee and alcohol to help. He still slept with Bucky sometimes, especially when he felt like he was about to fall apart due to lack of sleep and sometimes just to feel Bucky breathe calmly in his sleep as Tony forced himself to stay awake, but there was something bittersweet about it now, realizing that it wouldn’t last forever and that Tony would have to get back to making it on his own eventually.

He knew Bucky had noticed, and he could tell that the other man was worried, but… He just couldn’t say it out loud.

For as long as he could remember, Tony had been an expert at either being too much or not enough, and this situation was unlikely to be any different. Too clingy, too dependent, too much in so many ways. But never ever good enough.

Slowly but surely, his health started declining again. The bags under his eyes grew deeper again, his manic energy more pronounced, and his pain more prominent. He just didn’t know what else to do. The sooner he moved on from it, the better it would be, right? The crash when it suddenly ended would be so much worse than the slow weaning he was doing now, and it was really inevitable. No one really stuck by him, not like this.

Rhodey was the first to bring it up, although Tony suspected he’d talked to Pepper as well - he’d noticed some concerned looks from her direction.

“Did something happen?”

Of course, it hadn’t. Not really. Just Tony realizing he’d set himself up for another inevitable heartbreak and trying to mitigate the damage.

“Because you were doing better before. Healthier, happier. And now you’re headed right back to where you were before, which, lemme tell you, is not where you want to be heading.”

“I know,” Tony told him, trying not to sound as bad as he felt. “Shit happens.”

With narrowed eyes, Rhodey looked him over. “You’re doing worse, and from what I’ve been hearing, so is Barnes. So I don’t know what shit happened, but don’t be an idiot about things.” Then he sighed, softening. “You were doing well before, Tones. I just don’t want to see you get worse again.”

Tony swallowed, but he didn’t really know what to say to that. So instead, he shrugged and changed the subject.

Later that same night, he did get to thinking about what Rhodey had said, though. Because he’d said it wasn’t just Tony that was doing worse - it was Bucky as well. And that… Well, that was not good. He wanted Bucky to be happy and healthy, not… Not getting worse because of something Tony was doing, something Tony was panicking about, something Tony was getting hung up on.

Hesitantly, Tony headed to his room, where Bucky still waited every night, the TV on and a blanket ready. No matter what he’d been doing, trying to keep his distance and only showing up every other night at best, Bucky had remained steadfast, not mentioning what had been happening but not pulling away in return, either.

When he opened the door, Bucky was asleep - not entirely unreasonable, at 2:30 in the morning, but somewhat surprising.

Until Tony noticed the way he was whimpering, twitching just a little bit. He didn’t scream, didn’t struggle, though it was clear that his dream wasn’t a pleasant one. And no matter Tony’s own worries, he couldn’t let Bucky suffer.

Aware of the fact that Bucky could be dangerous, especially when stuck in a flashback, Tony quickly got two of the armor’s gloves - it should be enough to fend him off if he did try to lash out, but the entire armor might just make things worse. Then, Tony approached, gently taking Bucky’s flesh hand. “Bucky, wake up. It’s all fine, you’re safe, just wake up. Open up those eyes, honey.”

Keeping up the rambling, he used one of his hands to draw patterns on Bucky’s hand, on the rest of his arm, in hopes it would help him get back to the present.

All the time, he carefully watched Bucky’s body language for any signs of his waking. It was why, when Bucky suddenly tensed up and lashed out, he was able to deflect the blow coming his way from the metal arm, redirecting it as gently as possible so it wouldn’t hit him.

Unphased, he kept up the monologue, gently encouraging Bucky to get back to the present in a way JARVIS had often done for him - reminding him of the place, the time, the fact that he was safe and nothing was going to hurt him. Bucky had stilled, clearly awake but not entirely present again, and Tony could feel him relaxing slowly.

“There you are, snowflake,” he breathed, smiling.

Those intense grey eyes opened, looking straight into Tony’s for a bit before moving down his body. “Did I hit you?” Bucky asked, voice hoarse with sleep. A small frown line had appeared between his eyebrows as his eyes kept roving up and down Tony’s body, presumably to look for injuries.

Holding up his hands, Tony shook his head. “I got my gauntlets before waking you up, don’t worry,” he assured.

“‘M sorry I fell asleep without you.” Bucky looked down to where his flesh hand was lying on the blanket. “Thought you weren’t gonna show up anymore, or I’d have waited.”

“No, it’s… I’m the one who messed up,” Tony confessed. With a few quick taps, the gauntlets were gone again. If Bucky wanted to hit him after this, he’d deserve it. “I just… Well, just ask anyone, really, and they’ll tell you I’m not… I’m terrible, with people.”

By now, Bucky was frowning at him, some mixture of concern and anger. Except, as it turned out, Tony was wrong when he thought that anger was aimed at him. “Ask me and I’ll tell you that people are terrible with _you_,” he growled, and something in Tony quivered a bit with hope. “I mean, I ain’t sayin’ that I didn’t notice something was up, but I thought it might be best to wait for you to be ready to talk to me. And that’s not… You’re not _terrible with people_, Tony.”

“I can be.” The hints of a wry smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. “I messed this up, didn’t I?”

“You wanna tell me what’s goin’ on?” And, surprisingly, Bucky didn’t sound frustrated or annoyed or impatient, the way so many others had before when Tony just didn’t manage to translate his genius to interacting with people. Instead, his concern was obvious, as was the affection in his voice. Gently, he took Tony’s hands in his.

He didn’t feel like he deserved this, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. “It’s… I panicked. You… We… We were getting closer, and I didn’t sleep well the entire time I was away, and then I got back and you were here and I… All I wanted that entire week was to be back here, to sleep together with you.”

“And that scared you?”

“A lot, yeah,” he admitted shamefully. “I’m not… I’ve never managed to make a relationship work, one way or another, and I just… got scared. Of depending on you, and then…”

“Then having me leave,” Bucky finished for him. Tony hesitantly looked up at him, but he didn’t appear to be offended or hurt, like he’d been afraid of. Instead, there was only understanding, an incredibly gentle smile on his face that made Tony want to curl up against him and never leave.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, because despite Bucky’s kindness, Tony _knew_ this implied a huge lack of trust that would not be great for any kind of relationship.

Bucky, however, didn’t seem to get it. “There’s no need to be sorry, Tony.”

“But there _is_,” he blurted out, though he couldn’t bring himself to pull back physically the way he probably should. “It means I don’t trust you, and that means that there’s no way I really care about you as much as I say I do. Because if I can’t even trust you, then what future does this whole relationship really have?”

“That sounds like something that someone else told you,” Bucky told him, voice still far too gentle and kind.

“Doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

“Might’ve been for them, but it ain’t for me.”

Tony frowned. That was… That didn’t make sense to him. Because he _was_ supposed to trust someone he wanted to be in a relationship with, someone he loved. Right?

“Look, I ain’t sayin’ it’s great,” Bucky explained, “but getting hurt time after time ain’t suddenly gonna disappear. You’ve had some experience with… with relationships that didn’t work out, and that means that now you’re more defensive, more hesitant. And I wish it hadn’t happened to you, but it did. But that don’t mean that I care about you any less, or that I don’t wanna try… seeing where this goes. Together.”

Trying to suppress a sob, Tony leaned into him, head pressed into Bucky’s shoulder. “I… I want that, too,” he admitted, even though it terrified him.

“Then we do.” Bucky’s right hand stroked Tony’s hair softly, making him whimper just a little. “And… Just so you know, I ain’t expectin’ miracles. There might be moments where you panic, or when I get bad days… But if we’re gonna try for this, we… I’d like you to try to talk to me, when somethin’ like this happens again. And I’ll try to talk to you, too, if I get… _off_, somehow. And I know it won’t always be easy, and it might take some time to be able to talk, or willing to talk. But can we agree to try?”

“Yes,” Tony mumbled into his collarbone, nodding his head as much as possible when still pressing into Bucky. It was… Well, it was a brilliant idea, and he was honestly wishing he’d tried talking to Bucky before. The guy was an absolute miracle. “Thank you. And I _am_ sorry, for the… the pulling away. I promise I’ll try to talk to you if… well, let’s be honest, _when_ my brain ends up going… weird again.”

“Thank you, too, Tony,” Bucky told him, and that gentleness was going to kill him in the best way.

Hesitantly, he looked up, finding Bucky watching him with… kindness, yes, and understanding, but also _love_. And that just about broke him. All of this was so, so unlike anything he’d ever known before, and he never wanted it to end.

He moved slowly, giving Bucky all the chance in the world to move or turn away if he wanted. And then, softly, Tony kissed him.

It wasn’t anything like kisses he’d had before. There was no rush for more, deeper, harder. Instead, it was an affirmation of sorts, affection and comfort and love all at once. A warm feeling came over Tony, starting from his chest and moving outward until his entire body felt like it was tingling.

With a happy sigh, he pulled back, just enough to be able to see Bucky’s face. The smile he saw on there, just as full of wonder and happiness as he guessed his own was, assured him that the feeling was entirely mutual.

“Well, we can do that anytime,” Bucky murmured eventually, before giving Tony another brief peck on the lips. And another. And one more.

Tony refused to refer to his laugh as a _giggle_, but he would happily admit to the elation in there. “Yeah, that… I’d love that,” he agreed. Having a kiss be just that, just a way to show his feelings, was incredibly freeing. Being with Bucky in general just felt… like there was no better place in the world to be.

Moving in for another kiss, he hummed happily when Bucky met him halfway.

And when, after that, they settled into bed together, holding one another as close as possible, Tony started to think this might just work out. And with that thought, happiness and contentment and love rushing through him, he fell asleep.

Neither of them had any more nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for this one! Thank you for reading everyone, and feel free to come check out my [Tumblr](https://eirlyssa.tumblr.com/) as well if you'd like :)

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter should follow next week, and I hope you're enjoying the story so far! Feel free to come out my [Tumblr](https://eirlyssa.tumblr.com/) as well if you want.


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